I'm having a hard time lately watching my daughter struggle with her identity. Perhaps this is normal for those kids whose lives are intertwined with international parents and whom live abroad, but I naturally assumed my girls would identify with their mother language; I'm slowly realizing this is not always the case. I find myself placing a lot of pressure on the girls to speak English with me, when I internally believed they would have just 'wanted to' from the moment they heard me whisper 'Happy Birthday' in their ear. So, you can understand my anguish yesterday, when my daughter said, 'but I would rather speak German'. Really, you would!?! I even notice 'L's' sense of relief when papa walks through the door because she can finally speak the language most preferred. Ohhhh the ache...it's kind of like watching two cultures collide head-on and I'm the loser. I would love to say that in time things will become more apparent and the language will quite naturally shift to where her loyalty lies (with me...I am the mother after all!!) but it's becoming more apparent this small struggle now may continue to plague 'L' the rest of her life. Will she always feel like a foreigner when we travel home to the states and in the country we currently reside? Will she always feel torn between two worlds or will she end up feeling enlightened by her ability to indulge in her inherent gift to adapt (quite intelligently) to the opinions and customs of that particular land? Although my youngest is too little too undergo a metamorphosis yet, I'm curious to see how the life around her affects the little person she is. I have a feeling though that 'Q' (who is quite spirited like her mother) will not be as affected and may flutter through life unaware of any struggle at all.I suppose I have plenty of time to reflect on all of this later in life but will continue, in my own right, to forge ahead with the English inquisition.
13 comments:
i'm sure she will grow into her english more once she realizes how comfortable she can become in both languages. and trust me, when she is older, she will appreciate her bilingualism so much, i always envy my bilingual, sometimes even tri, friends, and they find it to be such an advantage!
i really loved this post, made me think a lot!
xo
I know exactly what you mean. When I look at my super sassy Spanish friend and hear her speak (fluently) 4 languages I want to throw tapas at her head (and I tell her that all the time!!).
I suppose the wheels started turning on Sunday when I met several (expat) friends for brunch and they proceeded to tell me how disappointed their mothers were for having 'lost' so much of their native tongue. Of course, this got me thinking and when my daughter said she prefers to speak German the following day it got me REALLY thinking.
Most importantly I want her to feel comfortable, ALWAYS, and I sincerely hope that through language barriers and cultural anxieties we'll have a deep understanding AND appreciation of one another's chosen 'native' tongue.
I think it is two cultures colliding, but the German one has all her friends, tv, books, etc... I'm sure, especially with you helping, she will be fluent in English, but if she stays in Germany, she will probably start to feel it's hers.
Hi Kim,
Do you have an English play group? It might help to have lots of friends speaking English. Be sure the girls are exposed to great English movies and songs. English can become the "fun" language.
cmb
Yes, we are involved in a playgroup, but I was a late bloomer on the scene. My daughter couldn't survive the 50 minute car drive and would inevitably fall asleep and wake up SUPER cranky- no one likes to play and be merry when tired from the long day and car drive.
I do, however, have several English speaking friends (with kids) that we see often and currently utilize TR afternoons for our 'just started' Ludwigsburg English PG. And yes, I try to listen and watch as much in English as possible. I'm sure a lot of this stems from being in a German Kindi all day and the heavy influence of my German speaking husband.
I suppose she's more comfortable speaking German right now but I'll keep pushing, keep correcting and eventually win :-) Mother's always do. hee-hee.
With us getting ready to have our first child, these same thoughts often occupy my mind. I so want our children to love both languages and feel comfortable in either. Sometimes I miss that comfortable place where I can communicate without having to think so darn hard... and that is when I speak English. We are planning that I speak English and that my husband speaks German(if he can stay disciplined... he really loves English), with English as the home language. I understand that longing of wanting your children to identify with who you are, and language can be very much a part of that.
Hmm, I often wonder about this for my future children.
Growing up in america with a Swedish father, I actually really enjoyed speaking Swedish but strangely with my twin younger sisters, one of them hated to speak Swedish (she wasn't as good as the rest of us and has a closer relationship with our mom) and the other spoke it all the time and would pretend not to be American at all sometimes when we went out just me and her haha
So now that I am engaged to a German man, I don't know if I want to speak English or Swedish to my children. English is my first language (not by much), the language I speak the most often and is really useful but Swedish has such a special place in my heart that I'm conflicted
Just stumbled on to your blog and stopped because we're also a family abroad. I think it's a complement to your level of German that your kids want to speak it to you. My kids prefer to speak only English with me and Italian with their Italian father. The oldest one explains that it just feels strange to do otherwise, but I think it's simply so frustrating for them to sort out what I'm trying to say.
Oh, Kim,
I'm so glad I read this. My guy is exactly like L! I honestly have even had the same thought: the relief when he can speak German. He loves German and although it makes me a little sad that he doesn't adore his mother tongue, I have stopepd trying to force English. He speaks it 99.9% of the time with me and when I casually say, "Oh and how would Mama say that?" he almost always translates. He used to refuse when I said, "Say it in Englis or Mama's language, please". Now that's just the one area where I've been able to relax a little bit with him... ;)
I am just now reading this and I am in exactly the same boat as you are. My son is almost 4 and although he understands everything I tell him in English, I cannot get him to speak it. He only wants to speak German. I know this is because his friends and kindergarten are german speaking and his dad speaks it (which automatically makes it cooler). I haven't forced him to speak English to me, but maybe I should? Right now I am the only English influence he has and I am afraid of him falling really behind in learning to speak it. We are moving in the next three months, and although I don't know where in Germany we will end up (military) as soon as I do know I guess I need to find us an English speaking play group. I am glad to hear though that I am not the only one going through this.
No, you are not alone. And yes, I think it is definitely okay to encourage English speaking at home.
Lately I've been pretending that I do not understand my 4 year old...AND IT'S WORKING!!She's basically forcing herself to translate to me and to her grandparents (when talking to them) overseas.
Been there, done that! My son was only 3 and my daughter 5 when we moved to Germany. We, the parents, we both speak the same language, but after a while it was very difficult to bring them to speak in their mother tongue with us - they automatically spoke German. Let me tell you, there is absolutely no "the language will quite naturally shift" option. You have to be very patient and persistent. I started with one day in the week during which I "didn't understand" German at all, if they wanted to communicate, they could do it only in our language (slamming the door was the first reaction). The day will come when your children will speak 2 or more languages but it's a constant battle. My two children are 20 and 23 now and they both speak 4 languages each and are learning Spanish at the moment as the fifth language. Happy Holidays!
Is your home language German or English, It might help if you and your husband and everybody in your family spoke English as the home language. they get enough German outside.
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